Happy 22^nd Birthday Ryan!

Today is an important day. It marks the day of your birth. The day you came into this world. One of the most important days in a calendar year. One of the days that changed many lives. You led a great life; it is definitely one worth celebrating.

I miss your laugh so much. I miss talking about everything and nothing. I miss you. I wish I could stay up all night talking to you. I know it’s just a dream, but it’s my dream. To go back in time, and just say everything that I needed to say.

When I was sad I called you. When I was happy I called you. When I was lost I called you.  I still try and call you…Somehow, and someway since your loss I have found the strength that you used to instill in me. I am the person you always told me I was, I see my strength now, and before I met you I never could.

You never realized how special you truly are. I wish I could tell you I love you one more time. To take back any silly fight, just to have that added time of everything being right between us… Sometimes I think we waste our words and we waste our moments, and we don’t take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

I admire your bravery. You fought so hard, and one day you realized you had to stop fighting. You were at peace with it, even if no one else could be. That is the personification of strength of the human spirit.

There is not a day goes by that I don’t feel the ache of your absence. You are everywhere. At the same time, you are nowhere to be found. It is that simple, and endlessly complicated. I believe in things that can’t be explained with hard science. You visit me in my dreams, and it feels like we just spoke. I truly believe you visit me, just to make sure I am okay. I don’t believe this because it makes me feel better, because it honestly doesn’t. I just believe it is real.

I meant it when I told you I loved you. I think I the first time we spoke. There is just something about you. I am taking my grief courageously and gracefully; it would be dishonoring you to behave any other way. I have done as you asked and have been checking in on your little baby sister. She is a blessing in my life. She is a wonderful person, it is obvious you are siblings. You both share the same kind heart. I’ll always have her in my life, just as you wanted me to.

You used to always say how you wanted to be a good person and you didn’t have enough time. That you would never truly redeem yourself…Well, You were the selfless kind person you always wanted to be. You were a perfect friend, a perfect son and a perfect person. There was nothing for you to regret. Everything that you never got to do, your loved ones will do in your name.

Today is rough, a birthday celebration without the boy of the hour. But, everyone attending a party for you, saying a prayer, or just missing you right now needs to know something—Ryan is proud of you. It would break his heart to know that the beautiful, kind, inspired people he surrounded his life with were suffering. I know that, because at night sometimes he visits me in my dreams. Our lives are difficult, carrying the heavy weight of our loss.

Grieve. Struggle.

But, don’t let the pain define you.  Find your way back on your own terms and your own way. But always remember, Ryan would want you to be vibrant and inspiring in the face of loss. He would want you to fight your pain with all you’ve got. Because that’s how he was raised, and that was the kind of person he was.

 To Ryan’s amazing parents, thank you, you were responsible for raising the man who changed my entire world.

Happy Birthday Ryan!

I won’t ever say goodbye. It’s not goodbye. I’ll be seeing you. When we meet again I’ll be your plus one. Always love.