It has been a very trying past few weeks.

Mothers day was hard. Every second I thought of my Grandmother. How much I loved her. How much I missed her. Her voice, and the way it used to soothe me…and the fact that it never would again.

After such a difficult weekend I entered the hospital for my routine infusions and check up. I learned some news that shook me to my core, and brought every fear I have had to life. To top it off, being dreadfully ill from infusions.

My saving grace; my Ryan. My hero. My miracle. One of my lives greatest privileges–being your friend.

I made a promise. Days before my beloved friend left this life for something better, he asked me, “Lisa, babe you’re going to beat cancer. You’ve gotta do it for me. Promise me, that okay,” of course I obliged. We then talked about our normal business, shoes, music and his hate for Yelawolf. The usual.

I love you Ryan. I will keep that promise. I hope you know how special you are. Loss usually divides, your absence has planted seeds for great connections between all those who loved you. We cherish you. We keep you alive through our day-to-day lives. You live on in everyone you bonded with in life. I have created close bonds with the lovely people that loved you as much as I did. We keep you alive in our daily lives. You always worried you wouldn’t have time to leave a legacy, or do anything to be remembered by. Ry, you left your mark on the world. You live forever in our hearts. In our good deeds. In our prayers. Everything good inside of us, you are a part of.

I sit here, in tears writing this. Missing you. Fearing my future.

I wrote this to keep myself grounded to my promise, and knowing it was a promise to you–it is something I will keep. You changed my entire world. You have my heart.

Some bonds are once in a lifetime. That was ours. We were each others miracle. Against all odds we became two peas in a pod. I loved your sarcasm, your kindness, your childish pout, your smile, your humour, your faith–and you. I loved how Sammy would purr into the phone to say hello, and our cats also became friends. Only us weirdos would ever think to do that. I loved that. And. I love you Ryan. I will never again experience with another person what I had with you. And, you know what? I am grateful for that. No one else is special enough to rank the same as you, you Ryan are my angel. It is only right that now you can finally fly.

I now have a shift of mood, no longer am I afraid. Instead I am overcome with warmth that this great being was such a great friend and huge part of my life. Thanks, Ry. Still looking after me.

Keep visiting me in my dreams, okay?

Always love.