As children, if we are lucky, our grandparents our are heroes. My Grandma always shone the brightest. She continues to shine, only now it is from the sky at night. I never thought I could survive a day without her, but somehow–four years, I have existed without her. I have built a new version of happiness. One she is always part of, in memories and in my smile, but her physical presence is gone.

I feel it now. I no longer hear the whisper on the wind, or the quiet comfort in the middle of the night. I know she is at peace. That is all I could ever wish for….But, at the end of the day, I miss her the same. My selfish side still cries uncontrollably that I needed her to stay longer. I still need her. I probably always will. She instilled in me the most powerful gift–to embrace optimism, to never resort to letting the darkness of life cloud my light. Just when I feel like the depression and hardships of life have me in their clutches, I smile. She may no longer be in this plane. But, when you truly love someone, a part of them is always with you. She is me, and I am her. I have her strength. I have her integrity. I have her courage. I have her capacity for good…That will never change.

My grandfather is now moving from the home he shared with my grandmother my entire life. It is like enduring all the grief from her absence all over again. Finding her trinkets, wishing I could praise her, laugh with her, hug her, hear her voice, smell her–just be with her. Seeing her prized home empty. Not being able to see all her wonderful creations adorning her walls…It is utterly heartbreaking.

I have taken this time to shed my tears, and hope that someone else will be comforted by my honesty. No matter what you choose to believe, we are never, ever alone in this life. I promise.

My current thoughts inspired a revamp of an old poetic piece: here is a new rendition of:

A Moment In Time

I once saw these walls through the eyes of a child.

Now an adult.

A place where I was once overwhelmed with love.

A place that saw my childhood dreams.

A place where both my heart and dreams used to lie.

I am now alone.

An empty house.

I sit here alone.

Listening to the whispers of the walls.

Once a small glimmer of heaven.

Hidden behind four wooden walls.

Hearing the echoes of times long past.

Homesick.

For a place that no longer exists.

Children grew to adults.

Life cycled its natural course.

Knowing as we all knew in the end.

That what was experienced was impermanent.

Just a breath.

A moment in time.

Quickly extinguished.

You had.

You held.

You lost.