The last few months have been a consistent nightmare that I am slowly waking from.
I’ve seen the dark side of human nature, found myself drowning in the depths of sorrow, grief and fear. It feels like a part of my soul has permanently detached itself from me.
Grief is one of the most horrific cycles of life we must endure. Each time it takes a new face, holds prisoners in new cells and when the sounds of sorrow begin, a chorus of all the pain from those we have ever lost returns.
When we are grieving we become in tune with all the sadness that has ever entered our world. We find ourselves guilt ridden, destroyed, anxious and in despair. This version of ourselves is unrecognizable when we look in the mirror. As it should be. We now are seeing a world where someone we loved so much no longer exists in. Grief takes pieces of our soul. Which is appropriate, isn’t it? We want our soul to connect with those we love, wherever they go on their next journey. That emptiness. The hollow ache, is simply the part of us that is permanent with them. They have left the only world they have ever known; the emptiness brings comfort in knowing a piece of me resides within their soul.
I suffered a loss I will spend my whol life mourning. I will love and miss my grandfather every day of my life.I gained lessons. I learned that just because you want others to act in honorable ways, they don’t. Just because you identify yourself as a good, righteous person–does not mean that others will follow the same path and have the same values. I’ve learned that others can behave in unspeakable ways and still lay their head to sleep at night and find peace of mind in their chaos.
Respect leaves far faster than it was ever earned. Once it leaves. It doesn’t come back. The face of family changes. It is no longer those connected by blood, instead it is those who have showed honour, integrity, grace and unconditional love. I have lost. I have gained.
I have a hero. Someone that I am lucky enough to call my mother. She has endured more than anyone should ever have to, and yet she is my constant bringer of hope and salvation. The person I aspire to be exactly like. My grandparents gift.
The world will never look quite the same to me. There are actions that I will never allow others a chance to repent. There has been substantial change in my world. Lifted upside down, shaken and somehow I stand in the midst of the debris.
I am finding my footing. The anger I have felt will soon disappear, replaced with indifference. For those that have ultimately disappointed me, I owe it to myself to be that much stronger of a person.
I will honour my grandfather. My grandmother. In the best way I know how.
I will put a new face to happiness. I will cherish it. I will live for the day and all the possibilities it holds.
I will continue to be me. Blessed with a sweet, empathetic soul. A huge heart always willing to love. A creative mind, hungry for knowledge.
I will have hope. All the hope they both shared for me, I will carry it myself.
I will live.